he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
