If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
