not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I have post one night stand depression
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