I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
