After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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