I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize