Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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