I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
