Small penises have feelings too.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
