I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
