matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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