Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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