meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
