dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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