I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
