The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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