can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
