This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
