Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
