He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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