Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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