I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
