I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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