I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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