The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
