my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize