If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
