I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
not ubering you a puppy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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