I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just want to make out with him forever
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
