i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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