She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
