I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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