the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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