Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
