dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
