Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize