I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
