My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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