If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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