half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
