I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
