Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
