highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
