evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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