I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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