kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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