the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sober January is a disaster.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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