i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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