i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
