I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
