Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
