I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
