Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
