Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
