You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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