Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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