I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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