yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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