the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Heβs really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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