I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
