I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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