i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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