You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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