can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
