I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
