from now on my penis is your penis
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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