It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize