Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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