Can Purell be used as lube?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
