Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
