Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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