Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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