last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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